Sunday, April 09, 2006

Thinking



Currently procrastinating getting ready for the visitation for my childhood best friend's mom that I need to go to on this Palm Sunday. Like that is going to manipulate time. I have another visitation and funeral to attend right after the funeral on Monday, as my cousin's wife lost her battle to cancer yesterday. But now she is no longer hurting.

While having brunch with my parents this morning, I said, Thank God I like black, because that seems to be the color of choice these days. Shocked at what I said, I held my breath in fear of a lash back, but instead my dad busted up laughing. Whew. Ten years ago, something like that could have gotten me back handed. Thank God or whomever is responsible for Dad getting nicer as he ages.

Do I normally go to church... honestly, no. Most of my Holy days were spent on the back of a horse at a horse show. Which is appropriate, because on a horse I feel the most spiritual. Horses are always honest and never hypocritical.

During these young adult years, I do tend to end up at church during Christmas, Easter, weddings and funerals. I was raised Methodist, but I frequented all of the churches or synagogues in the area, attending services and youth group meetings with the menagerie of friends I was blessed with in my childhood. Never did it cross my mind that there was something wrong with any particular religion/culture, or an absence of one.

Growing up with such an open and diverse background makes me who I am today. Accepting. A listener. A thinker. Pro-active, not reactive. Seeker of the truth, not just what I should think is the truth.

Is there anything wrong with how I am so unbiased (especially politics)? I don't even fit into being labeled as a conservative Democrat or a liberal Republican. Honestly, defining myself either way tends to take the focus off of the issue at hand. I feel so much pressure to peg myself into a hole, that I want to scream. Do I HAVE to identify with anything?

Truth is what I prefer.

But now I need to become the cowgirl in black. I already wrote my favorite childhood memory and a poem about my second mom that I am going to share with everyone, then leave with her to cherish as we have cherished each other. So glad I have some good tear proof mascara.

Geesh. Is it possible that I can be a linear and non-linear thinker?

8 Comments:

Anonymous Shelleigh (Pixie) said...

Creative and Critical Thinker. You are the perfect "nurse"!

I'm sorry for your losses love... big hugs to you.

I so Wombat you.

;)

2:14 PM  
Anonymous cooper said...

I'm sorry Ihaven't gotten here sooner it has been a very busy time for me.

I hope you get through all the wearing of black successfully and am sorry you had to go through it.

I deal poorly with death myself if my past in relationship to it are any example but despite that I always like to think of death as part of life and the end to be a celebration of the life lived. It is the people left behind who suffer most it seems.

I love horses but have very little experience with them.

I don't care for pink but as it is the new black and I love balck I guess in reality I love pink. ;)

4:58 PM  
Blogger BarnGoddess said...

When riding a horse we leave our fear, troubles, and sadness behind on the ground.
- Juli Carlson

6:34 PM  
Anonymous shayna said...

My thoughts are with you during this troubling time... I hope that you find some peace girly! :)

I too have struggled with my religion. I too am a Methodist... my spiritual time has always been through my music... that is when I feel the closest to God... :)

8:11 PM  
Blogger Rude1 said...

Cowgirl, don't worry about lables, or boxes, or corners to fit in. Be who you are, seek answers to your questions. As far as religion; you and I share the same views I think. Who are we to judge anothers beliefs? Faith. Faith to me determines the "rightness" of a religion; if you have faith and believe, then bless you.

And politics? Again, we're close since it's based on beliefs. You know how I feel.

I hope that soon, you're able to wear black because you want to. I laughed at your comment and know how you feel; glad your Pop is more relaxed in his later years! :)

7:24 AM  
Blogger Cowgirl said...

Shell - Hugs my sweet pixie. I so wombat you too. (If you don't understand this wombat thing go to the Pixie Lair).

Coop - I too think of it as a celebration of life.

Speaking of horses, I would gladly take you out or a ride or drive sometime, so if you are ever in the Midwest, call me.

I SO used to hate pink, but the last couple of years I have actually been wearing it. Scary.

Barngoddess - So, so true. On the back of a horse, I have no doubt that I am a blessed person.

Shayna - When it rains, it pours. And it has been raining awhile now. Much love too you.

Music means so much to me. Not necessarily in a closer to God sense, but more in a release of emotion. It is the way I can express myself and share it with others.

I actually sang in the choir Palm Sunday, which was televised. They have been twisting my arm lately trying to get me to church more because they all know I love to sing.

Not sure exactly if it more for their benefit than mine...

I'm singing this upcoming weekend too. Am I a bad person if I start going back to church all of the time so that I can sing with the choir? Hmmm.....

Rude1 - I tell ya, Daddio used to rule with a literal iron fist. There are days I wonder if Mom is putting something in his coffee.

I know exactly how you feel. That's why I like ya!

8:04 AM  
Blogger Kyahgirl said...

Hi Cowgirl-first time here. I found you through Doug :-)

I'm sorry to hear of all these losses. It seems to go in clumps.

Your comment about your Dad getting more mellow reminded me of mine. He used to spend all his time hollering and swinging then somewhere along the line started listening and appreciating. Amazing!

1:34 PM  
Blogger Rude1 said...

I think it may be more that he's realized that he's done "raising" you. You are who you are, now he can relax. At least that's what I liked to believe about my dad before he passed. :)

1:47 PM  

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